eHorrific

Hobbits & Goblins (and it’s not even Halloween yet!)

2008-09-10T11:30:00.008-04:00

I don’t date Hobbits; well, just once and it was a bad idea and I learned my lesson.

I am a tad taller than 5’ 8,” no Amazon mind you but on the tall side of average. Now, put me in heels and I can shoot up to 5’10” – 6.’ So, I don't go out of my way to repsond to the Tom Cruise representation of height challenged men.

Enter the Hobbit. Careful! If you blink you’ll miss him.

It is my conclusion that no matter the height, men under 5’7” will list their height as 5’6” no matter how tall they really are. If they’re 4’11” they’re 5’6,” 5’2,” on paper - 5’6.” It’s a bad rap for anyone truly 5’6,” they’re pretty much screwed cuz I won’t take the bait again.

When you tell me you’re 5’6” and then when we meet the top of your head (hair included) comes to bottom of my chin/jaw line, even with benefit of doubt, you’re 5.’ I actually measured my head, from my crown to my chin is 8 inches – you’re getting a HUGE benefit of doubt!

Then there’s the crawling part. Yeah, where you have to crawl up me like a monkey in a tree to kiss me.

Ahhhhhh………

No.

Kinda creeped me out, sorry. I tried.

Also, what size shoe do you wear, little Dude?? Those are most definitely NOT Hobbit feet! At least Hobbit feet… well you know what they say about large feet…

My hands are bigger than your feet.

Sigh.

Now Goblins are a different breed (but you knew that, right?). Goblins are not necessarily height or foot-size challenged. No, Goblins are merely ugly or unattractive and don’t post a picture of themselves on-line because they are so insecure. They may claim to be “in the process” of posting pictures on their profile; but don’t allow yourself to be duped, you’ll only be doubly disappointed in the results.

I can only wonder if like attracts like; i.e., do Goblinettes see something divine when they gaze at the white frame that has the words ‘No Photo’ next to the witty on-line screen name??

Think I’m mean or cruel, shallow even? Read this, then judge.

About ½ the traffic on my profile is from Goblins. Sure are a lot of faceless folks out there. Not all send me email, but some do. And last night I actually got a first!! I got an email from what I will call a Globbit!

A Hobbit that is ALSO a Goblin. A Globbit. Perfect. (Sounds better than Gobbit don’t cha’ think?)

A 5’6” faceless, photo-less, 55-yo man. A surfer dude! My, my! Been surfing since he was 11…… that’s 44 years of surfing fun. 44 years of saltwater and sun……

Now, I’m no stranger to sun and saltwater, and attest my preference to be around it as much as I can on my profile; which is why, I believe, I attracted this double disappointment dude. But 44 years of sand & surf… not a pretty picture does my imagination make!!

I keep picturing Spicoli at 55 (Fast Times at Ridgemont High).

(shudder)

(And no, it's not the same as picturing Sean Penn at 55; I'm picturing the character, not the actor! There's a difference....)

My luck, he probably looks like Sam Elliot in 'The Lifeguard' but aged 20 years.

Add in the fact that - in as much as I will give him well deserved credit for actually composing an email to me, which he then applied the Diet Coke/Snickers affect to by trying, lamely, to make me believe I’ve viewed his profile already. Manipulate much? Like I wouldn’t remember viewing a faceless profile? Actually, I probably wouldn’t, which is why I don’t view any profiles without a photo attached to them. Fairly easy system I’ve got going for keeping track of my dittzy self.

Interesting though, he’s the 2nd guy in a week to do that. Makes me wonder if there’s a “tips” website out there somewhere for the ‘faceless’ daters.

Ohhhh, look, kittens. They're sooooo cute, huh Mackenzie?? Sniff, sniff...did you fart?

2008-08-14T22:18:00.006-04:00

I just love this picture and had to post it! It has absolutely nothing to do about bad dates. Except that it is from Almost Gay Guy. Who wasn't really a bad date; just not into that type. Rethinking about posting about him. Nice guy. Just an Abba song shy of gay and there's nothing wrong with that.

He’s just not that into......buying me lunch?

2008-08-14T21:35:00.019-04:00

There’s always a first for everything, especially in internet dating.

Over the past year + I have read this and that regarding etiquette and modern dating. Not necessarily just applicable to internet dating; but to all methods of trying to make that connection.

One of the topics where I have seen both traditional views and very non-traditional views expressed is that of “who pays.” I’m fairly traditional and ‘old school;’ in my view if you are asked out on a date and that date includes a cup of coffee, a meal, or a movie, the ‘asker’ carries the burden of paying for his/her dates’ drink, meal, or movie. If the initial date turns into multiple dates; I think it’s okay to share or split some of the incurred costs associated. Although, I do think that even later on when you’ve been dating a while, if it’s the guy asking out the girl (in my case), then most of the time I expect guy to pay – I’m a Baby Boomer, not a Gen-X – that’s how it is with us, and that’s how it was with our parents, and their parents, and it’s worked pretty well historically. I know there are exceptions to the rule based on income level/other variables and I get that. I’m sure Julia picks up the tab when she and Danny step out on the town most times (I know they're married now, find me another well known couple I can site where she's the bank and he's not, k? My blog!). Quite frankly, after telling my youngest daughter (23 yo) about this latest date, she was pretty shocked at my dates’ caddishness.

So, yes, you’ve figured it out. I went on a date and had to pay my own way. If this happens again, I know how I will react; but part of me was ‘WTF’ shocked and the other part of me was going “How am I supposed to react to this?”

So, met ‘Cad Vanity’ on line about 4 weeks ago. He initiated contact and in the first week went away for the weekend (which was okay, we all have a life that continues). When he got back the following week he sent me an email and, having previously asked me to lunch (we work a block from each other), proceeded to inform me that lunch would have to wait as he would be out of town for the next 15 days on business and vacation…………

I ask you: Who initiates contact when they know with the first communication sent that they will be unavailable for the next 3 weeks?

Now, I will say that I was talking with another suitor at the same time that I favored over this jerk, but, unfortunately, that fizzled out; which dovetailed with Cad Vanity coming back into town and announcing to me his arrival. I had sent him an email while he was gone that I thought would really render him gone; but there he was “back in civilization!”

So he asked if I still wanted to do lunch; and I thought, well why not – who knows??? Nothing ventured, nothing gained; another one that could grow on me…….*Sh!t* don't.drink.the.koolaid.

He told me to pick where I wanted to go and let him know. So, I did. I picked a very modest burger/salad-type local joint (to equal the place that he suggested that was in my building....ummm, no) that has a similar ordering system to the Chipotle chain. We agree to meet at 11:30 – this was stipulated by him - I think - 3 times … So, I show up at appointed ½ hour and we meet, shake hands, he introduces himself like we’ve met for a business lunch…..uh-oh -- dah dah dah dummmmmmmm...

We chat a few seconds about the restaurant, he didn’t know it existed in our work neighborhood, blah, blah, blah, and head to the counter to order. The kid behind the counter welcomes us, asks us if we know the drill, etc. Cad Vanity is clueless and asks a billion questions (ok, maybe 4 or 5, of which 3 or 4 are too many). The kid asks: “together or separate?’ I'm thinking "Well, together of course," and almost blurt that out, but think better of it. Something distracts Cad Vanity and the kid asks us to step closer to the counter, then asks again… “together or separate?” Cad Vanity says: “What? Oh! Separate.”

c r i c k e t s

AYFKM??????!!!!!!!

And yet, because I have never encountered this before and all those articles and headlines are flooding into my frontal lobe; I’m at the same time going “Hold on, hold on, this is acceptable behavior somewhere…..where though, where???? Oh yeah, that would be Cowardly-Cheapass-Chump territory on MARS.

He must do this all of the time; he’s so matter of fact in his demeanor.

So, I pay for my friggin’ $8 fish salad & drink and am livid on the inside, but not sure I should be - given some other recent dating behavior – I can’t figure who's on first and which one got the first down! I choose to carry out the charade. We get our food and continue outside to sit and eat. The conversation is initially about him for the first 20 minutes (I haven’t even asked him anything yet!) Surprise! Although we have a couple of things in common, his conversation has that “I’m already here, so I might as well eat lunch anyway” detached quality about it.

Nice. I could be having a tuna sandwich at my desk and catching up on Michael Phelps phenomenal physique.

You !!@#&*$%!…..

Needless to say, there was no plea made in respect to “I’d like to do this again sometime” from me. “Please, sir, stick another needle in my eye. More waterboarding please!”

If I encounter that chump behavior again, I’ll save my money and excuse myself by telling him… “Seperate Checks, Separate tables, Separate ways, you cheap sumbitch!”

I've jumped the fence...I'm out!

2008-08-08T23:43:00.009-04:00

Christ, it's cold and deep at this end of the pool!

Well, I've signed up for the Adsense. I've also linked a few of my fav blogs, some of whom I've been reading long before I ever started my blog and one as recently as last week; and I want them to know they've been an inspiration to me in my journey so far. I have to throw out a Congrats to Waiter Rant, the Grand-Daddy of the bunch! (the site dude, the site, not you) He just got his book published and is just tearing up the TV and media sites with interviews and book signings! I've been a fan for over 2 years - best to you on your success! Please, my friends, click and see what has intrigued me all this time. His site might also give you a few tips for your next trip to your local fav restaurant. Cake Wreck, I'm new to your site, but love, love, love it! Not sure which one was more horrifying - doll giving birth cake or the full size bridezilla cake, but love your commentary! Barmaid, you have a great way with the written word and kudos for really baring your soul. Barista, Waitress, Well Done, I really enjoy your written word as much as the emotion, humor and drama that you've inscribed for us all to enjoy.

I know there might be some curiousity with my choice of linked blogs, given the subject matter I blog about; truth is, Waiter Rant was my first (blush). From him I started clicking on links he supported and they mostly had to do with the food/restaurant industry, which I found fascinating. But the true link is the human connection. In as much as all of us write around a specific subject matter, we touch each other by our written word - whether the touch encompasses the heart, mind, funny bone, or palatte, no matter. We are connected. I will include additional links to other blogs, these intial selections are my roots, my favs.

I'm bound and determined to keep this up, even if I have to write about my daughter's dating life (spare me, oh dear lord! that is drama with a seperate zip code!). Let's just say she rolls her eyes at mine! May I not lapse into another 5 month hiatus!

Datergirl

Dove in Heart First

2008-08-07T17:57:00.008-04:00

Hello, Baby! It's like you never left!

I have been off of my blog for months. I just haven’t been feeling like writing or posting. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I feel like writing a lot of the time, but writing about how pathetic my (lack thereof) love life is – not so much.

I noshed and drank wine with a dear friend last night and vented fiercely about men & work, in that order. She was instrumental in getting me back on here. Claims she’s told other women about my blog and they like it and have been waiting for more.

My deepest apologies, I figured a handful of people read this and I know them all and tell them what’s happening in my life as it is, and just didn’t think this had any readership since I don’t have any links to ads or other blogs/sites. So, to the additional 3 souls who I may or may not know, thanks for reading and glad you enjoy.

If it’s too good to be true, it tru dat.

I’ve dated on and off since my last post, but will have to root around in my file cabinet of horrors to bring up memorable dates of nights past.

I’ll just start with my latest freight train.

Wreck.

Sometimes we encounter people from which there is no saving ourselves.

There’s nothing particularly funny about this latest encounter, moreover, just more of the same old shit. Am I truly optomistic or just a door mat? Not sure, but know I've moved beyond it enough to eject a little humor here and there.

JG came on to, and at me, like a freight train barreling through the countryside in the dark of night.

I usually avoid, and am cautious with freight train/gangbuster types; a lot of sexual, emotional, uncontrollable weight moving very, very fast is not a good combination when impacted upon the head & heart.

I know these words sound like dating 101, but like the title says.....

Lesson #1 – when he doesn’t call you by your birthright name – ever – but instead calls you any variety of pet names, ie, in this particular case, I bore the monikers of ‘Baby,’ ‘Honey,’ and (pardon me if you’ve just had lunch) ‘Pumpkin.' I don’t mean to say that your man/SO shouldn’t call you Baby or Sweetheart sometimes or even often, but not exclusive of your given name. Very bad sign. For you see, if he’s playing several women at the same time, he can call all of us by these endearments and never have to worry about calling any of us by another’s name. I heard the alarm bell sound first time he called me 'Baby' – I hadn’t even met him yet - but, as appears to be my default setting, I ignored it quite effectively. Going to have to check my hardware and get a patch for that. Maybe upgrade to Stepford X-Wives 3.2., with the bonus Lessons Learned AND APPLIED plugin.

Lesson #2 – No matter the attraction, no matter what the age, don’t give up the goods the first night! Make him work for it. Hold out till at least the 2nd date!!

Now I am a practical gal, for the most part, and have never really bought into that wives tale of holding out (not at this point and time in my life, younger - absofuckinglutely; at the same time, I don't mean to insinuate that I'll sleep with anyone, not at all, just not play all the games we did when we were young.); after all, I can no longer lay claim to my “born again virgin” club card, I've lost that privilege (???? maybe more of a burden actually). So just what is it that I’m holding on to, or out for??

I mean, I think we’re as capable of thinking with what’s between our legs as they are. The difference is, unfortunately, unlike them, we don’t know how to take the emotion out of it afterwards, or most of us don’t. But, I will say that self control and self respect will carry you a whole lot further and leave you feeling much stronger in the aftermath of a wreck, then letting the inhibitions fly to the wind!!

That you could’ve put the proverbial “fork in me” was an understatement, cuz I was done when I met JG. My mistake was believing that he, too, was done. He sure talked the talk and walked the walk. Damn well looked like a duck too. A salt & peppered haired, green-eyed, lantern-jawed, cleft-chin, very well endowed duck.

Fucking Bastard Duck! Why couldn’t you have had a 3-inch dick!!!???

Yes, I know I’m being shallow, so what? It's my blog! I could’ve bought that thing a leash & collar!

Lesson #3 – When he tells you something that feels/smells like a lie, trust your gut, it’s probably spot on. If you can back check the lie, do it. Nothing’s worse than doubting someone and not having any way to vet that doubt (well, actually there are worse things; but fuck it, it's my blog). So, when he tells you he’s stuck behind some horrific wreck “outside Baltimore,” Go get on the internet and look it up on a traffic dopler map and verify it. Same thing goes for suspicious actions or nonsensical situations. If he’s ‘lived’ here since January, but is still living out of hotel rooms, question why he hasn’t rented a place yet? "I've been too busy" ain't good enough.

If I thought it would help the next gal, I’d shout his name from the rooftop, I’d post it here in a size 9 inch.....er, 98 point font, but I doubt it's even his real name........ not to mention, the notoriety would just stroke his ego if he ever caught wind of this blog.....oh (cough) vomit!

Lord knows you can’t help who you’re attracted to; but if you’re not careful ‘chemistry’ can result in third degree burns! I thought I knew better, I do know better. This was a slip up. What’s that song lyric “You’re my heroin…”? I do identify.

God, may I please be spared any more bad boys or performance boys, or better-looking-than-I-am boys!!

If I've repeated analogies, or you think "she's said that before." I probably have x 10! Mea Culpa! It goes with the terror-tory!

Next up the almost gay guy.

Epiphany

2008-02-28T17:41:00.003-05:00

I haven’t blogged in a while. I’ve been talking to, and even had a couple of dates with some new fellas, but nothing disastrous to complain/write about. Certainly haven’t had any more criers (thank god!).

I did have a bit of an epiphany earlier in the week that may help my efforts here on out.

I have been talking to and had a couple of dates with a great guy. We hit it off very well and I’m hopeful that there is sufficient interest on both sides to continue to date. Here’s the problem: the timing is a bit off. He is having some (I think will be minor) health issues and has spent the last 2 weeks seeing doctors and having tests performed. He is understandably anxious about this and as such, has pulled back. He’s retreated back into his cave, if you will. We have been communicating via phone, but mostly emails during this time, but until he finds out what he’s dealing with, he doesn’t feel particularly social. This irritated me, as I have encountered this behavior before. What I like to call ‘gangbusters then withdrawal.’ He knew these tests were coming when he asked me out twice in one weekend; the 2nd date, I might add, lasting 8 hours! Then he goes to ground for 2 weeks? There is just something wrong about that type of behavior. Anyway, while I was slowly wrapping myself around the axel about this, I reached out to a friend that really went to battle to land her man, in the trenches so to speak. Her advice: wait him out. Not what I wanted to hear, but I listened anyway and although it took a day or so for the stew to simmer and bubble, in the end I realized that I could do that. I won’t wait too long, but if I were dealing with an unknown and knew my anxiety could be a downer or turnoff to a potential SO, or that I just wasn't putting my best effort forth, wouldn’t I back off? Wouldn’t I say, “Hey, I really like you, really like us and want to see you again, want more of this; but I really won’t be very good company until I find out what’s causing this unknown.”

Yes, I would. I’d like to think I wouldn’t necessarily try and go out of my way to date if I was having a personal crisis, but I wouldn’t pass up what could be “the one” either (or even just a great night out, sometimes a wonderful distraction is a welcome blessing during a crisis).

I’m afraid I’ve been applying the same dating MO that I had in my 30’s (I was married for the bulk of my 20’s); which isn’t all that applicable in your 40’s pushing the five-oh. I think that if you’re in your 40’s and (still) single again, you’ve probably dated enough toads/toadettes that certain characteristics/quirks pop out pretty quickly . I am suddenly acutely aware of this - not just from my observation of men’s characteristics, but of my own. I’ve realized that I probably push a little when I should be pulling back myself, I also think I may come off as too eager on occasion; I’m such a positive and rather gregarious personality that I think sometimes it’s a bit over the top, probably could take it down a notch. Not downing myself, just trying to be more self aware.

When I made this realization, it made me rethink someone I met back during the holidays with who I also had a spark. Too late now, but ruefully, I wish I could have a do-over with him. The situation wasn't entirely my fault, as he had committed (to me) to something he ultimately couldn't do, which was not cool; but I pushed him too soon, and he bolted, which I now understand.

When I related my epiphany to my friend, she gave me kudos and told me to be grateful as most people don’t ever get the self awareness thing. They are always wondering why this or that didn’t work out or happen, totally blind of their own culpability in the matter.

Well, I hope this new guy makes it through his personal hell and picks up the phone and calls, cuz it may have only been 2 dates, but they were both great dates. From the string of emails we’ve shared since then, there is no indication otherwise, but if I’ve learned anything over the last 8/9 months you never can tell w/ these guys. And if I’ve learned something else – we (men/women) sure as shit don’t think anything alike, I mean I just can't figure out what goes on in their teeny, tiny heads!

The Island of Misfit Boys, Part Duex

2008-01-09T14:50:00.001-05:00

Christmastime brings them out of the woodwork.

Oh I'm newly calibrated
All shiny and clean
I'm your recent adaptation
Time to redefine me

Let the word out I've got to get out
Oh I'm feeling better now
Break the news out I've got to get out
Oh I'm feeling better now

Oh I'm happy as Christmas
All wrapped to be seen
I'm your recent acquisition
Time to celebrate me
~Better Now, Collective Soul

Yes, I certainly felt ‘shiny & new.’ I don’t think my profile has seen that much action since I first posted it back in the spring!

Out of easily a dozen + hits on my profile over the holidays, there were (what I thought) two men of note that I responded to and that I went on dates with. Oddly enough, they both do the same thing professionally right down to working for the same client (different locations)! Both are smart as whips, the kind of smart where they can do calculus problems in their heads with no scratch paper! And for brainiacs, both are surprisingly witty and funny. One has looks over the other, but the other has warmth and a chemistry I couldn’t find with the former/‘looks’ one.

Alas, the sad ending to this story is that they both fizzled out and now I’m not seeing either man.

Fuck.Shit.Die.

One ‘zled’ before it could ‘fiz,’ and the other was coming from somewhere so foreign to me – might as well be the moon or maybe it was the 4 prior marriages – that I just couldn’t connect the dots and neither could he.

I knew enough to proceed with caution. I had already told myself to look out over the holiday season. But not because I thought for a minute that I would be as inundated with hits from lonely men as I was; quite the contrary. I actually thought it would be the deadest time for dating out of the whole year. Boy, was I wrong!

Most – heck, maybe they all - were lonely souls reaching out to connect over what can be the loneliest time of year and I knew that going in. I don’t have a problem w/ this time of year. I’ve been by myself for a long time, but have always had my family close by and of course, my girls. It would’ve never occurred to me to try and actually make a connection at this time of year. Emotions can be raw and people are more vulnerable during the holidays.

I won’t go into much detail about these men, mostly because with 'Moon,' even though we connect in a lovely way and I think he is a good guy, he's way too gun-shy and I'm way too not, not to mention we are coming from polar opposite perspectives. He sees what ignighted between us as a "red light," I see it as a wonderful blessing, like I said, p-o-l-a-r. But, we have chosen to stay in touch with each other, try the friend thing. No ties. As for 'Chemistry' I’m not holding too much hope, maybe a tiny thread that he will come around. At least for about another week. Then I have to let us both go. Unfortunately, we had a bit of drama and it seems he can't get past it. I thought we had wonderful chemistry, like we were wired for each other…. But at the same time, I just can’t stay as wrapped around the axle as he is over some stress that escalated (Dude, it was the holidays! Stress deserves a spot at that table as much as the Ghost of Christmas Past! Let it go, already.).

One of the things that has resulted in this latest shower of men, is that I went in and changed my profile around. I originally had concluded my profile with a paragraph about what my intent was, i.e., finding a LTR, encompassing trust, communication, and honesty, etc. blah, blah. Standard stuff for the normally challenged. So, I just took the concluding paragraph and made it my intro, thinking just maybe I'd up my odds that the next guy will read enough of it to know I'm not looking to: serial date/be a Mommy to their kids/bankroll thier Wii or Playstation habit. I truly am beginning to believe what one guy told me a while back: Guys don’t read all that shit. They don’t. They look at your pictures, see if you smoke, drink, want kids and maybe look at the drivel to the right/left that “highlights” your personality. That’s it!

I had been left wondering more than once whether or not this guy or that guy ever even read my profile, as they sure don't seem to get me; and now I'm positive that most don't. I mean what guy would respond to a woman who states very matter of fact-ly that she is interested in a LTR when he has been married 4 times and has no intention of getting involved in a LTR anytime soon??? That would be a guy that doesn't read your profile. Yep. That guy.

I quote: "I need about 5-years of 'water under the bridge' before I can even consider a serious commitment."

Honest.to.God.

Talk about a Red light!

She's so Fake

2008-01-08T16:35:00.002-05:00

I’ve been off of here for a while (again), holidays, business travel and man drama take up a lot of time!

With total and complete trust and permission I wanted to post part of a recent email exchange I had with a girlfriend of mine in South Carolina, who is also trying to find a tiny piece of happiness via the internet dating highway. She put up a bit of a ‘sting’ operation to catch her then current (now past) suitor in what one might call typical 'player games and nonsense.' She had suspected that although he was talking exclusivity with her, he was still trolling for other women while telling her she was his #1.

Read on for the details. All I can say is this took some cajones. I don’t know that I could do it.

As for me and Mr. Miami, we're officially done. I made a couple of comments about him still being on the site (especially since he's the one who was talking exclusive), and he said the predictable met-him-online bullsnit – “why are you spying on me? you should trust me.if you see me on there, you must be on there too.” Finally, I got quiet on it, and I figured I'd let things work themselves out…...in the form of me creating a fake account with a fake picture and having him hit on me.

We (I mean the fake me and Mr. Miami) had a long chat session wherein he told me that he had recently met a person (presumably me, but I don't doubt there were others) but there was no chemistry. The fake me was divorced (as he is), and he kept saying that we understood each other because we were both seeking our second chance at love. Then - he asked for my (the fake me) phone number in the first friggin' chat session. This - after he and I (the real me) had emailed for days before exchanging digits. I (the fake me) just said a very reserved - I prefer to take things slower and left it at that.

Oh - and get this - he was texting me (the real me) as he was chatting (IM-ing)to me (the fake me). He had asked (real) me earlier in the day if I would fly to MIA to see him, and I told him I had to check on a few things. So in his text, he asked me if I had bought my ticket, and I said I hadn't. He just left it at that. The next day, he called me and told me that I wasn't as committed as he was...to which I said, oh, really? And he said I was immature, to which I said, is that so? And he said, yes, and I can't do this anymore, to which I said, ok, cool. What an effin' prick! I was disappointed, but I can't say I'm surprised. Something in the milk wasn't clean from the very beginning.

God! This is so sad in so many ways! What if she hadn't set up the ruse? I'm sure she would've found him out sooner rather than later; she's a smart cookie, afterall. But there he goes, perpetuating the sterotype.

It reminds me of a recent email I sent back to her detailing my recent man drama and how I gave a guy props because he actually called me back to tell me he didn’t think he could continue on the current course we were taking. I gave him props because 98% of the men that I’ve had the opportunity/misfortune to meet on-line would have just disappeared – and some did – rather than call me to communicate such a thing. Yet, it is with a furrowed brow and incredulous look in my eye, that I ask you “Must I give him props for doing the right thing??”

Man-o-man, this is a sad state of affairs (no pun intended).

Bulls Eye

2007-12-18T15:39:00.001-05:00

Been off of here for a while and wasn’t going to post about what’s happened as of late, and still may not, at least not specifically, but I think I can post about something related (no mystery, I’m just being a wee bit closed mouth right now cuz I don’t want to jinx anything).

After being out for an entire evening (overnight) this past weekend and en route home, I decided to stop in one of the more popular Big Box stores and see if I could pick up a couple of items still on my Christmas gift list. Figuring it was early enough to beat the crowds on a Sunday and knowing that once I hit my front door I was going to be either 1., down for the count via a long nap; or 2., baking cookies for the cookie exchange at work on Monday, I decided that stopping off on my way home might be smart.

Making good on my trip in to the store - having found a couple of things I was looking for - I headed for the check-out. Who knew I’d get perceptive-gay-check-out-boy.

In a matter of about 3 seconds this kid sized me up and I could see by the look in his eyes and on his face that I should’ve gone home and changed and washed my face and then gone back out if I was going to go anywhere public. After all, it’s 11:00 a.m. on a cold, wet December Sunday morning and I’m in this store wearing black high heels, black slacks, a grey/silver sequined blouse, a faux mink coat, lightly smeared (but smeared non-the-less) eye make-up, and "night before" hair (brushed out, mind you.....but still). I definitely didn’t look like I just came from church, either.

Um…duh? Anyone care to guess what this kid guessed?

This guy had a look on his face that said “I know what you did last night girlfriend, you go Mrs. Robinson! Snap!” And in the 3 seconds it took for my light to go on at the dawning of his, I thought: “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.”

Note to self: Unless you can refresh yourself properly (which means at least washing your friggin’ face – seriously- what were you thinking???) after an overnight visit, stay clear of public places until you can!

Ai, yi, yi!

My Dog ate my Phone

2007-11-19T18:13:00.002-05:00

He turned out to actually be a completely pretentious flake as well. We had our date, such as it was. He apparently comes from some money; his Father was a bit of a local Muckity-muck. But he spent at least an hour bitching about his Mother (issues!). Not.real.appealing. I was left thinking that whatever came across over the phone sure isn’t there in person. But when there’s nothing else going on, you might as well give it another go or three. You never know, he could grow on you (where have I heard that before, hmmmm?)

But then he couldn’t ever seem to date on the weekends (no, not married, I’ve been to his house). We’d meet during the week, but he finally flaked and stood me up last week, then tried to tell me 3 days later, via a text message (hahahahahahahahahahaha! maniacal laugh here vs, ha, ha funny laugh) that he lost his phone. If I had $1,000 for every time I’ve heard some variation on this theme, I’d have around $4,000-5,000 dollars right now. After ignoring him another 3 days in the hope that he’d get the message; he apparently is also a bit thick skulled. I finally returned the same courtesy, and text him back calling him out on his lost phone story, calling him a flake, and telling him to stop calling me. He actually admitted as much, but did stop w/ the infernal text messaging.

Flaking out after the age of 25 is, well, it’s obviously done. I had guys flake-out on me in their 30’s, but 40’s??? Why? Just break it off. Or flake-out and don’t come back, period. But don’t flake and call, or rather, text me days later with some 10 year-olds excuse.

“I lost my phone,” “My phone fell in the toilet/sink/bath/beer,” “My phone dropped all of my stored numbers,” or any derivative thereof is the millennium's equivalent to “My dog ate my homework.” The likelihood of this being a true statement in the land of dating is highly unlikely. The likelihood that this could be a true statement if your sister tells you this complete with how it wasn’t just any toilet, but the toilet on the train to NYC, is more likely (and I actually know someone who did drop her phone in a pint). It does and can happen, but I don’t buy it when there’s a date involved in the equation.

Men and the dreaded text messaging. Ah, what better way to hide, then to pseudo-hide behind a 3 ½ inch piece of plastic and electronic chips! It’s magical really. He’s 6’2” and it’s just 3 1/2”, and although he can neither be seen nor heard; he cannot be accused of not communicating because he sent you a text message!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nevermind that he’s typed so fast w/ those big huge thumbs of his, you can’t make out half of what he’s tried to type and if that weren’t frustrating enough, it’s all internet abbreviated. BUT Your man communicates!! Yes he does! He’s a keeper, oh yeah.

The Island of Misfit BOYS

2007-11-19T16:35:00.000-05:00

Went to a really bad singles mixer on Friday night. All I could think was “WTF? Am I at a gay event??” For once the men far out numbered the woman and yet 75% of them hung out with, and talked to their own kind. ‘Scuse me, did you not come here to meet women?? There were groups of 2, 3, 4 men all talking to each other. I stood at the bar for almost an hour before being approached. One might make an argument that I could’ve approached these men. Perhaps. Yet, I had a sense that would have scattered them like flies, only to land amongst another group of single mix-phobic men. And it’s not as though I was clustered w/ other women applying lipstick and staring into a mirror. I used open body language and made eye contact and smiled at several of them. Ugh, it was excruciating. The two men that did approach were alright. No, I take that back - one was alright, nice, a gentleman, all 4’11” of him. The other one was an attorney, nuff said (and seriously waaaaaay too much ego for patent law). For a smart guy, he made a huge leap from the A&E dot to the Realtor dot and had decided that I knew enough about architecture and the housing market to advise him on his house that he’s going to build somewhere in Virginia (although I'm in the A&E industry, I’m not an architect; nor am I a realtor).

Then there was the guy sitting in the corner of the bar that, if I were to interpret his body language alone, I’d swear was a junkie! He kept rolling his head and scratching himself (everywhere but there!), and looking around the room suspiciously. At one point I looked over and he had his pant leg up around his knee and he was tearing up his calf. I had to stifle a laugh. Heroin or psoriasis? I mean, come on, what woman can resist that?

This was sponsored by the same group that did the speed dating sessions I went to. I had much higher expectations for this event based on those. I keep thinking about the woman that works w/ MOD who gave this group such high marks. MOD says she’s an attractive woman, smart, self-assured. How she found a catch in this group is beyond me.

Speed Dating = Cautionary Rioting = Slow Racing (or, just what we need, oxymoronic dating terms)

2007-10-22T15:18:00.001-04:00

Had a second round at this sport on Saturday night. It’s like chemo for those of us with SO cancer. Slow, steady treatment intended on breaking down whatever resistance we women have to turtlenecked-sport jacketed-no-socks-with-deck-shoes-wearing 50 year olds with a comb over or news anchor hair.

So far for me, the cancer’s winning. I can’t relinquish my hold on finding an equal. A ying for my yang (and do I ever need a yang about now), a Fred to my inner Ethel, a Brad to my Angelina.

I saw an article in the last week on the internet that was actually titled:

How to date during the World Series

I was dumbfounded! Men will actually give up chasing tail for baseball? Give it up and make us chase them? AYFKM?

That is a sad, sad, sad state of affairs.

One of the men the other night begged off right after the actual ‘speedy’ part was over with, with a “I’m gonna head home and catch the rest of the play-off game.” I Guess when Tawny Kitaen didn't show up for coffee, he decided to bag it. I found myself actually giving him kudos for showing up to the event in the first place. Pathetic.

This time the venue was a coffee shop downtown. I expected free coffee for $30.00, any coffee of my choosing for that matter, but we didn’t get it. We got a dollar off our first coffee order. That, and what looked like Costco mini-pastries. I think I’ll stick to booze events from here out.

I have a date tomorrow or Wednesday night, but I’m expecting that to probably implode before it can actually get here. This is someone I met on Snatch last week. He seems normal, so how can we possibly get to a first date? Actually, he seems better than normal - a totally unpretentious, guys' guy. I know I can completely be myself around this guy. We talked for almost 2 hours but unfortunately, if this bad luck continues to hang in there, I don't even have to think about it, nothing will come of this either. (come on ladybug luck!) It will die on the vine before it can even have a chance.

The Great Escape - Not!

2007-10-12T10:55:00.000-04:00

Good Lord! Will this ever get better???

So, I show up last night only to realize that this guy isn’t who I thought he would be. He’s-the-guy-I-thought-it-would-be’s partner (it was tandem speed dating – 2 on 2)! I had mistakenly written down identifying information for the other guy in the guy who showed up’s space on my cheat sheet! So, instead of the possibility of me being the wrong gal since I was sure (I gotta give these guys an identifier; guy who showed up last night is JMB-jewish mama’s boy, and the guy I thought was showing up is IOW-into the other woman) IOW was-well, into the other woman, it turns out that I’m the right gal but he’s the wrong guy! You get my drift.

Anyway, JMB is talking to the hostess as I enter the restaurant with his back to the door. As I registered who it is vs. who I thought it would be, panic sets in and I bee-line to the ladies room off to the right! I stay in there for what seems like 5 minutes trying to think of how in hell I can get out of there w/o JMB seeing me!! I noticed a door at the end of the hallway as I dashed into the ladies room, maybe it leads to the parking lot or an alley. I exit the ladies room, looking to my left – coast is clear and he can’t see this far down the hall, I take the door at the end of the hallway and find myself in an employee locker room where the only exit is through the kitchen or through an emergency door that will undoubtedly set off an alarm or three.

SHIT!! No, not SHIT. FUCK, FUCK, FUCKITY-FUCK! FUCK squared, FUCK to the third power!!! (Helloooo, Potty-mouth!) When is this shit going to end?? Enough, alright?? ENOUGH ALREADY, I don’t deserve this shit, NOBOBY deserves this much negative, down-right ridiculous dating drama!

What am I going to do? I just don’t have the balls or the zeal to try exiting (read “sneaking out”) through the kitchen. I have to take my lumps (once again!!) and go through yet, another gauntlet. I have to go out, face this guy and tell him that there’s been a mistake.

It sucks to be me right now. Hell, it’s sucked to be me since August. I keep waiting for it not to suck being me and it just doesn’t seem stop sucking to be me.

Hey, how ‘bout those ‘Skins? 3 and 1, not too shabby and it’s looking good against Green Bay this weekend…………

Somehow I find the nerve to walk back out into the hall, as I stand there for a minute trying to gather my resolve and figure out how I’m going to say what has to be said, I can see JMB’s reflection in the glass of the door, sitting and waiting for someone who doesn’t want him. I guess it kinda sucks to be him right now too.

I approach him and it takes a second or two for it to register on him just who I am. (Guess that could happen when your date comes from the hallway and not through the front door!). He stands up and after a brief greeting I tell him how I thought I was meeting IOW, that I had mistakenly put down information about IOW on the line for him, and that I simply am not interested in him. He doesn’t quite get it at first, asks me if I want to have dinner anyway. I tell him, no, I don’t; that I don’t think it’s fair to waste his time or his money that way, much less my time. He takes it well. After a beat, he actually thanks me for being honest about it and assures me that it’s okay, he’s not hurt, we’ll just “call it an evening, then.”

As I’m driving home vacillating between crying, laughing and not able to do either, I realize that it is okay (no, it still sucks being me), that I learned and gained a skill from this experience. What I learned is that it really is important to keep the dialogue light, sticking to surface topics until you establish a connection. In exchanging email, neither I nor JMB had delved to deeply into one another’s head in the week between the wine tasting and the date, so when I broke the date, there honestly were no hard feelings because neither of us was vested in any way toward the other. It really was ‘okay.’ I also learned that next time use that cheat sheet! It was created for a reason, use it properly and take notes on these guys and when one of them contacts you, CLARIFY who he is, CLARIFY who you are. Be sure of who you're dealing with before you start a dialogue!

The skill I learned was (to not run away) to tell someone the truth in a direct manner. I was not going to put myself through what I went through over Labor Day weekend, and to not put myself through another disaster date required me to stand up for myself and possibly be hurtful (unintentionally) to someone else. That's not an easy thing to do, but I did it and can do it again, if necessary (please don't let it be necessary again - please!!).

Not sure where to go from here. I probably will attend another event in the future, afterall, it was my own blunder that created this latest mess, not the singles organization that arranged the wine tasting/speed date event. I haven't returned to Snatch.com and feel doubtful that I will between now and the 28th (when it expires). At some point the part that sucks has got to move on and a little luck (hopefully) will take it's place and then, maybe, I can blog about bliss, or not blog at all and just live the bliss!

Speed Dating, Vino & Cheese, and the Japanese journalist

2007-10-10T18:17:00.000-04:00

I went to a 4-minute speed date accompanied by a wine and cheese tasting Saturday evening. It was my first time ever experiencing this sort of social event for the pure purpose of seeking out a potential date or mate. I can say that it wasn’t as difficult or intimidating as I expected it to be; and although the organizers couldn’t control all aspects of an event like this, they did do a good job at essentially getting everybody to the table, so to speak.

There were about 35-40 women and what appeared to be an equal amount of men. Essentially, the women line tables with their backs to the wall, 2 to a table, the men then come in and sit opposite the ladies on the inside of the room. You talk for 4 minutes, which can be either excruciatingly long, or too terribly short. Each table has a cheese tray upon it and there are several wine glasses. We had 6 whites and 4 reds with tastes being poured every other rotation.

Unless you were at the table occupied by the evenings’ lushes!! Then you got up and got your own…

(Lush:) “God Damn bottle of wine!” (Steward:) “Mam’, the pours occur every other rotation. That is how this wine tasting is being done; there’s not enough wine for you to have your own bottle; and you and some of the other guests cut down on what supply we had by drinking some of the wine before the event even started.” (Lush:) “But he’s not pouring!!!”) This woman wouldn’t give up, she kept getting up and getting her glass filled, or just taking a bottle from the table in the center of the room. I think, with the exception of a few, the men felt like this table was a gauntlet they had to endure rather than a 4 minute conversation. The more wine these women consumed, the more obnoxious and bold they became. One guy made a comment to the effect of ‘Glad that’s over.’ Kinda sad. And yet, since they were the table before mine, they only served to make me look better and I already looked good!! ;-)

Only the men rotated, the women stayed stationary, which is typical. You were given a sheet of paper with a matrix on it where you would put their first name and a number from their name tag, then you had two columns to the right where you could check ‘interested/not,’ and finally to the right of that there was a line to make note of what they were wearing….on their chin, so that later you could remember them by that description/note. I didn’t immediately make use of the form, I thought you were only supposed to put down those that you actually had an interest in, so there were several rotations before I made use of it!

As the evening wore on, I found the interface interesting but the venue boring (it was held in a hotel conference room). I kept thinking how surreal it was to meet people this way. Some men seemed expectant, as if I were to do some trick or say something magical or clever that would set me a part from the rest of the herd thus earning me their coveted attention and interest; some came with their life story already memorized and proceeded to sell themselves, much like an pre-owned certified Honda (“One previous owner, no major wrecks, and I was never in New Orleans, I swear!”). There were a few that were genuinely warm, sweet and mildly charming – perhaps possible dating material. And then there were the handful of misfits, either physically challenged in some manner, or painfully shy, or just ill-equipped socially. My favorite (in a very non-favorite way) was the Japanese entry. He came with his own cheese stash that he started at the first table and would augment at each table with about ½ of whatever was on the main cheese platter. He didn’t speak very good English and what he did speak was heavily accented. So that ‘journalist’ came out (after 3 attempts) as ‘urnalish.’ I was able to ascertain after the first 2 minutes that he was a journalist from Japan, here in the nation’s capitol covering politics. For who or what back in Japan I never could understand; and so, painfully I waited for the next 2 minutes to pass while he sat across from me and proceeded to eat more and more cheese and drink a rather large pour of red while the rest of us were still on whites (hmmmm? That’s odd, I thought at the time, not realizing that half our wine supply had already been consumed.) and continued to speak, in shattered English, occasionally breaking into a great big grin that showed a grey piranha toothed smile. Apparently, he was with the group that short-changed the rest of us on wine pours, so he was well on his way to full-on drunk by the time he got to me, and I don’t think he made it another 2 tables before he passed out and they had to put him at a table in the center of the room surrounded on either side by event staff (wouldn’t you like that job: “Damn, I gotta take care of the drunks again! I pulled drunk duty last week!”) where he sat for the remainder of the evening chin firmly holding his chest down in the chair. He was so drunk, the event staff had to bring up a wheelchair at 10 pm to haul his inebriated ass downstairs!!! Needless to say, I was soooo glad to hear the words “rotate please!”

All-in-all, it was a pleasant learning experience. I didn’t meet anyone that made my heart (or any other anatomy part) particularly take notice, and I didn’t much mind whether or not anyone contacted me from this event.

Monday
So, imagine my surprise when I got an email from one of the guys on Sunday evening. All of a sudden, I realized the importance and reasoning behind the cheat-sheet form that they handed out!! You can’t remember all the CPAs, Lawyers, Software Engineers, or Analysts – many of which have common names, ie, Mike, Tim, Dave, Michael, Timothy, David –that you meet in a 4-minute slot!! So, I checked my sheet and luckily I had put a description of what this guy was wearing, so in this instance I was able to put a face to the name and number. Only thing is, as I recall, he was far more into the other woman at the table then he was me. So, I’m wondering, did he mismatch names to descriptions on his cheat-sheet?

Tuesday
Apparently not, I received another email from him and it would seem that I am the choice of his attention. Hmmmm, I guess I could chalk it up to his being too shy to appear initially interested, but interested enough none-the-less? That’s my Son-in-laws’ theory, maybe he knows this behavior himself…? So, we’ve proposed a date later in the week. I’m thinking coffee or drinks, I’m a bit uneasy committing to dinner. Although, I have met, seen, and talked to the guy. Would an hour be that hard? We’ll see when he contacts me again.

Wednesday
Looks like dinner Thursday night. I’m either a complete and utter optimist/fool or a glutton for punishment! I think it will be okay though, he actually seems fairly normal and maybe even equal to me in being both open and guarded. I'm going to go out on limb and make the assumption that I don't have to worry about him crying at the table (I know, I know don't ass/u/me anything!). What ever shall I wear? (All the lessons in the world and I still will worry about how I look! I'm such a girl!

Quality Control

2007-10-02T09:38:00.000-04:00

I believe my days on the internet dating scene are definitely numbered, if not done. This journey started out positive, upbeat and with promise. It ends negative, worn out and, I'm afraid, with little hope.

I can't seem to weed out the wieners, duds, gonzos, flakes, and misfits. They start out promising, but, usually pretty quickly, wind up reveling character traits or behavior that is decidedly not what I'm looking for, not to mention less than attractive.

Take the latest. Kind, nice, smart, very good sense of humor ('excellent' shall be reserved for when I find 'the one,' for he will possess it), (seemingly) normal, somewhat attractive. He 'winked' at me, I responded in kind which kick started communication between us, which in turn sparked chemistry and we seemed to click nicely. He had no problem expressing his attraction for me and although I was attracted more to his intelligence and wit, than to his physical self (is there a pattern here??), I had realized from previous encounters, that you can't escalate that initial attraction too much. Because if it doesn't match the physical attraction when you meet, you're screwed. So, I was a little less enthusiastic with my romantic overtures and made sure I nipped anything too 'high-brow' in the bud (usual guy stuff) as soon as he uttered it (never in a disarming way and usually with humor). He continued to call and text me repeatedly throughout the next 3-4 days. Then, with nary a 'Boo' he shut down and bugged off like I had an STD. Within a 2 hour window he went from "I can't wait to hold you in my arms." (to which I didn't respond in kind, but did respond) to cutting our next phone conversation short and by the following day did not even reply to an email, much less a phone call.

*POOF*

I don't purport to know what went through his head and it took me very little time to not care either. Another Flake. I could speculate but don't believe he's worth the effort.

There is a woman in my oldest daughters' (MOD) place of work that is approximately the same age as me and MOD told her of my fiasco over the Labor Day weekend with Mr. I'll Grow on You. She, apparently, had been down this same battle-scarred path of internet dating with very similar results. Her one comment that is now ringing resonant with me is when she told MOD that there is far more Quantity over Quality on the internet dating scene; and she is soooooo right. My latest encounter, above, is dictionary definition of just that. No. 347,186,000 out of a billion.

I realize that as my time on the internet dating scene evolved, I became far more willing to accept behavior flaws or other defects that if encountered in a face-to-face match-up would immediately send up guard rails and deploy riot police in my head. I accept this fact and would now like to amend that flaw in character judgment in myself. Please note: If you aren’t up to par within a 24-hour period of initial contact and communication, I’m done. Can’t carry a conversation? Done. Your laugh doesn’t make me smile or laugh, but makes me cringe? Done. Can’t manage to keep your head (followed by your mouth) out of the gutter long enough to not turn every word out of my mouth into innuendo? Done. Don’t have some kind of connection with your family (providing you have one, and they aren’t convicted felons)? Done. My dog doesn’t like you? Really done!!

When your part of a lottery system you find that you will compromise a lot to win a prize or be the prize won. I mean when your odds are 10,000 to 1 (or even higher, depending on your market) that you'll walk away with the Power Ball -much less - not have to split your winnings with 3 other ticket holders, you begin to compromise and lower your standards, whether you mean to or not. Or at you least start to overlook other less appealing traits, habits, ticks, and such.

In as much as I have a foot in both worlds of thought, first that we make our future and can create our own destiny; and second, that things happen for a reason (I know they are completely contradictory to each other, but I better my odds :-) I know that I’m either meant to find/discover someone far better suited to me than anyone Snatch.com or any of the other dating sites has to offer or that he is going to happen to me.

Having said all that, instead of giving up, I’m just going to try a new venue. The same woman I mentioned above that works w/ MOD told her about a national organization that caters to singles on a local level (w/ chapters in every major city). They sponsor all different kinds of social events, from speed dating-to hikes or bike rides-to 10-day all inclusive vacations. Membership’s free, but you do have to pay for the events you wish to participate in and the cost ranges from $5 to the thousands for the vacation getaways. Her opinion of this organization was so positive and glowing (she had great results), I’ve decided to try it myself. So, I’ve signed up for one of the events this weekend. No doubt I’ll be writing here next week.

And for any male readers, you can easily change the gender references and behavior flaws I've mentioned above and more or less have the same opinion of trying to find Ms. Right on the internet; this is not meant as an anti-men bash, just my personal experience. So, please refrain from bitch bashing me.

Government Scale

2007-09-12T14:27:00.001-04:00

Sigh....

2007-09-12T10:13:00.000-04:00

Dear God, what did I do to piss you off soooooo much? It's the cussing isn't it?

Damn it!! Me and my potty mouth!

But, seriously, God, midget 20-somethings that live w/ their parents??????

23 YO Male, 5'5", Seeking Women 18-35

Hey what's up? I saw your picture and profile and something about it really striked my eye. You seem like a really interesting woman, well not too interesting but enough to spark my interest.j/k. Anyway brat face write back when you get a chance. Later tater.

Fuckity, fuck-fuck.

Am I the only one that gets the 12 year olds?

Can you imagine......?

"You had me at 'brat face' baby."

I won't even dignify the "..not to interesting..." comment.

Brat Face? Who calls a woman 'Brat Face' if she's not your baby sister???

Later Tater? Honey, your fellow Bro's would have your ass for this transgression. What Brother says 'Later Tater?'

It's enough to make me question humanity. I know, I know. That which doesn't kill you, just makes you stronger.

I'll 'strike your eye' alright, with a red, hot poker, that is!!

I'm terrified the next one will make "I'll Grow on You." start to seem appealing.

Support

2007-09-05T21:59:00.000-04:00

To my family & friends who already read my blog, I want to say thank you for your support. I also want to ask that you please keep me anonymous for obvious reasons. I find it to be a real catharsis to be able to vent about my dating disasters or just convey the feelings that this experience creates. I appreciate each and every one of your responses and the feedback. I also would love for you to share my blog w/ others -- just don't indicate that we either work together or know each other (i.e., "I found this great blog about this woman who tells all her horror stories about on-line dating." vs. "Hey did you see Datergirl's blog? She's a piece of work, that one is.")

That's how these things work best.

Thanks. You're the best!

"I'll grow on you." (Yeah, like genital warts.)

2007-09-04T16:07:00.000-04:00

Too good to be true? You better believe it!

The above (pink) statement is gospel when it comes to dating, internet or otherwise. I had a recent encounter that was so bad, so stupidly bad, I’m having a hard time getting back on the horse. The taste it left in my mouth is beyond sour - !

Two weeks ago I canceled renewal to one of the sites I use, mostly because it was an overall failure at producing any viable “matches” for me. So, imagine my surprise, when the day after I canceled, I got a viable hit (I canceled but still had a week left on the original subscription). This person seemed like a good match, on paper. Retired military, works in a similar industry to mine - a little high on the age range - but things like his value system and interests seemed to out weigh that. The only thing not included was his picture. Now, I’ve never made that an issue in initial contact, because I refuse to ever meet anyone face-to-face w/o eventually obtaining a picture. So, we started corresponding, first through the on-line site and then through our respective personal email accounts. I asked him over-and-over for a picture. After the second photo request, he directed me to the internet, gave me his full name, and told me to ‘google’ him and I would find a couple of pictures taken in the course of his volunteer work. So, I did, and eventually found one photograph. It was indeed him, doing volunteer work….six years ago. The picture was a full body shot of him in a sitting position, in profile - not the most reveling image.

Here I will stop and ask the obvious: Was it a good enough picture for identification purposes? Maybe.

Was it a good enough and also recent enough picture for me to tell if there was an attraction? I wasn’t sure at the time, maybe 6 years ago (which is why I kept asking for pictures!!)!

He kept telling me he would go have a professional portrait taken (which wasn’t necessary for me, but he didn’t want to send anything he currently had). All the while we kept up the correspondence; sending 3, 4 emails a day, followed up by 2 hour phone conversations at night.

Wow! This was really looking promising! It had to be fate! We had so much in common. He was so kind and generous, a truly giving soul. About 4 or 5 days in we started talking about meeting. There was considerable distance between us, neither of us was local to the other, but it wasn’t an impossible obstacle either. (I still asked for pictures, even while making plans to meet.) Surely, if I have this much in common, this much “chemistry” with someone this soon - without having actually met them - I can get beyond the fact that they’re not handsome. I’ve been attracted to plenty of men w/ beautiful minds and so-so outer beauty. Why, when all else seems so right, wouldn’t this turn out any differently?

Hooo-boy! The things we’ll tell ourselves when we want something bad enough.

So, we decide upon a dinner date in a town that is definitely more in my backyard than his, but being a gentleman, he offers to make the longer commute. He makes reservations and we both exchange as how we are looking forward to meeting. Can’t wait! He tells me that he inquired about the professional portraits, but that by this time, they couldn’t be taken and received in time before we meet…. (Warning Will Robinson!! Warning!! Of course, not the first of many, many other alarms!!)

But by this time, we've exchanged too much information and I feel far too invested to even care about the photo any longer. (stupid, stupid-er, stupid-est!) Or so I think.

The day before 'date day,' we are talking on the phone – it has been approximately 1 week since this whole fiasco started – and he confides that he is already falling in love with me....... (A-WHOOOOGA, A-WHOOOOGA, A-WHOOOOGA, CLANG, CLANG, CLANG, WHOOOOOP, WHOOOOOP, WHOOOOP! RING-A-FUCKING-DING-A-LING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO....!!!!!

Repeat above Hooo-boy!

I tell him he needs to back it up, that I don’t believe that’s appropriate at this juncture, period. He apologizes, agrees, and doesn’t mention it again…..until the next morning in an email (that I never read until this whole mess was behind me by 5 days.)..

About this time, dear reader, I’m sure you’re saying to yourself: “Honey, you are the BIGGEST fool I have ever heard of!” And you would be right, unfortunately.

Date day arrives and the game plan is that we will meet about 3 pm and take a stroll through town, perhaps stop at a bar and have a drink, and then proceed to dinner. I get a late start, so he is already waiting for me at the appointed place for meeting when I get there.

OMG.It.was.awful. Quite possibly the worst dating experience of my life.

I get out of the car and he’s right there at my door. I barely have the time to straighten up from the driver’s seat before he is hugging me and then kissing me on the mouth (no tongue, thank God!). I am immediately turned off! Even if he were not as unattractive as he is, I would be turned off! But, given that he is (to me) very unattractive…..

There is only ‘anti-chemistry’ present for me; and I am mortified that I may have to charade through a date I want to run from (a term/action he would repeatedly tell me I might want to do – in that self-depreciating way – upon our meeting. Another possible warning ya’ think??? I obviously ride the short bus when it comes to matters of the heart, *sigh*.). He hands me a small bouquet of flowers for which I’m grateful for, for the sheer distraction they provide me, so I don’t have to look at him. I think he says something about how happy he is but my memory for what is said between us is a blur in the immediate seconds following the ‘greeting.’ I suggest that we begin to walk. He clasps my hand in his. - Help! - It isn’t until we have crossed the street and are walking down the sidewalk that I begin to try and figure out how I can possibly get out of this. We walk along hand-in-hand, my heart is racing with anxiety and unabashed dread. I have the distraction of the shops to window shop in. At some point he asks me what I’m thinking and I can only reply that I’m ‘taking it all in’ (the sites). After even more awkward silence and uncomfortable non-conversation, we stop in a local watering hole to get a glass of wine. We sit down at the bar and he immediately says:

“You don’t feel anything, do you?” “I can tell, you know.”

Gee, what gave me away first? My lack of attention towards you, or the fact that I couldn’t even look at you???

Now, I’m not a mean person, and I’m no fan of confrontation either, but he’s hit the nail on the head and I don’t want to deny it – hurtful or not. So, I say “No, I don’t.” I’m sorry.” It should’ve ended right there, right? I should’ve gotten up, said how profusely sorry I was that I felt zero spark/connection and walked to my car and left. But I didn’t. Not because I’m a glutton for punishment (although Freud might say that’s exactly what I am due to my feelings of guilt), but because I knew I was hurting the guy by my obvious, heart-on-my-sleeve, utter rejection of him. So I suffered through the next 4-hours in the name of “being nice.”

Four hours of him vacillating between trying to convince me “to give us a chance, that he'd grow on me" (blech!), to “Let’s just end this now, I’ll go. But, I still think we could have a fun time together” to him talking too loud at dinner about “what a catch he is and how wrong I am for not seeing that; but that I can't help what I don't feel and I shouldn't feel bad, because I didn’t do anything wrong” and then finally, crying at the table in the restaurant when it was evident (I had never waivered) that he was not going to 'grow on me' in any capacity. He couldn’t even let it go as we walked back to our cars, at one point turning dramatically to face me in the middle of the sidewalk (with people around us) grabbing me by my arms and demanding: “Please, Datergirl, give us a chance, I can make you happy.” (Not if I can’t bear the thought of you kissing me even if I were blind drunk and my beer goggles were dirty; no, I don’t think you can, actually.).

The date finally ended w/ him dissolving in to tears hugging me good-bye in the parking lot and saying: “I hope you find someone that will make you happy. I just wish that someone was meeeee.” I hurriedly got in my car and left. I was so overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted that I called my daughter as I was leaving town and immediately dissolved, myself, into tears! I ended up pulling to the curb until I could pull myself together enough to continue driving. Fucking Bastard!!!

I have never experienced such a roller coaster of ‘passive-aggressive’ emotional behavior as I did this night. I was so stupid to stay and endure it, I should’ve apologized – hell, he should’ve apologized and then some – and then left.

Hindsight = 20/20.

I have yet to shake the residue feelings of revulsion that I feel for the entire experience, including my culpability in it. I know I didn’t do anything wrong in any of my dealings w/ this guy, whereas, he was rather deceitful to me. Not providing a photograph of himself that wasn’t 6 years old; and assuring me he was emotionally stable and ready for involvement when clearly, he was not. I do regret that things got as far as they did and I didn’t absolutely demand a picture, that was my fault, but it’s not like I didn’t ask, over and over and over again. There is little doubt that it would’ve gotten as far as it did had I dug in my heels in and demanded a full-face photo, and I believe he knew that, clearly. It’s why he stalled and made excuses about his security at his job, not wanting to put his picture on the internet, yet he was already out there – blah, blah, blah.

With these few days distance from the experience, it is so clear to me that I was manipulated into a spot he didn't think I could retreat from. So many warnings I should've paid attention to, but clearly ignored. Although the 'falling in love' statement was the door cracking open (should've been the ice cracking below my feet as I tumbled into the icy abyss!) to the horrible reality of what I was walking into, I still walked through it. It’s not like anybody active in on-line dating is going to say: “Not very attractive OTH male with heavy emotional baggage, weight issues and english teeth ISO an exceptional (if somewhat blind) woman completely out of my league.”

This guy thought that I was insecure enough that if he told me certain things that I would be intimidated or cowed into a relationship with him. Ick. Not.

This was a heavy lesson for me. One I won't soon forget. I could put a list of absolutes on my profile to help filter out this type; but that would probably just lead to encouraging more of the same into responding to me. Perhaps I should take a break from online dating for a while; but yet I still have a kernal of optimism. I believe there is that connection to be made. Unfortunately, I'm afraid I'll be overly cautious right now and look like a freak myself.

Ugh. The perils.

Kid Tested, Hater Approved

2007-08-22T15:32:00.000-04:00

I’ve read some interesting profiles on-line and the one thing that strikes me is that there are a lot of good people out here in the same boat, and I simply can not believe how hard it is to date in this town. I’ve been honest and forthright hoping to attract the same and have made no ridiculous demands. My desire to not be around very young children is neither extreme nor rare given my life experiences. I don’t hate kids, I have kids and will probably be a Grandmother (can I say Noooooo!?) sooner rather than later. My goal is to find a one-on-one relationship, not at the exclusion of all others (family-all members, friends, pets, hobbies, etc.) but am interested in finding somebody that seeks the same and can give 100% (or as close as possible, given nobody can give 100% to any one thing these days). I’m busy, you’re busy, but at the end of the day our mutual intent is focused on each other (most of the time). I think it’s unfair to think somebody with 2 children under the age of 5 -three days a week is going to be in that mindset. I also think it’s unfair to expect someone that’s spent her 30’s exclusively focused on raising her kids to want to do it all over again just to be with you.

Oh, and enough of the “I have a 2 beautiful daughters/sons that are the light of my life and are my first priority.” Well, no shit Sherlock. They certainly better be or you’re not worthy of their love -or MINE. The fact that you’re involved in their life shouldn’t require a warning/caution label to potential girlfriends. WE.GET.IT.

It’s not me, it’s actually you.

2007-07-10T14:32:00.000-04:00

Well, I had a lunch date this past Sunday and I thought it went rather well. It was, I believe, the longest lunch I’ve had in many a moon, date or not – 4 hours long. We sat at the table in that restaurant for 4 hours, pretty much until the dinner shift came on. We talked about all kinds of things, interesting things, silly thing, personal things, mundane things. I really enjoyed this date and I thought he did too. I really thought we connected. He would reach out and touch my arm when saying something – elevating the contact between us, but not in an inappropriate or threatening way – just making it clear he was interested. He could’ve ended it so much sooner, so could’ve I, but neither of us did. We even continued talking out on the sidewalk, he then offered to walk me to my car. At my car he simply said he’d had a nice time and that we’d have to “do it again sometime” (clearly a ‘kiss of death’ statement if I’ve ever heard one, and I’ve heard one or two!), gave me a chaste kiss (on the mouth–not that I wanted a tonsillectomy), and left. I felt a little sucker punched when I got in the car – actually I feel that way today (Tuesday) even more. Not in the sense that I was taken for a fool, I just feel like one for thinking that there would (obviously) be further communication/contact because the date went so well. I did call him yesterday to thank him again for lunch and say that I was interested in seeing him again, and that I looked forward to hearing from him. So far, nada. I know, I know - he could still call and middle-east peace is within reach. Whatever. There's something in the gut that tells you these things. Whether you're 15 or 45 the gut never lies.

This wasn’t my first date, just my first one where I want a second one to follow it up with. This is really the horrific part about dating – on-line or otherwise. R.e.j.e.c.t.i.o.n. I can mentally tell myself that ‘it’s not meant to be, his loss; onward & upward' and all that other ‘adult’ I’m-not-gonna-cry-cuz-he-didn’t-call-me horsehit; but that’s always easier said then done. I thought we had a lot in common, related well to each other, and yet there were enough differences to keep it both interesting and rewarding. Looks department, he’s not my type; but I am old enough to see beyond that (to a degree, I’ll admit – because I’m human and I’d be lying otherwise) and what I’m attracted to makes his physical appearance less important. He’s got a "pretty brain" -beautiful even. I’d rather have a man I can talk to for 4 hours and not be bored then a ‘George Clooney’ with a frontal lobotomy.

So, You’re a Model in Los Angeles…….?

2007-06-26T14:40:00.000-04:00

I’m a resident of Virginia, we’re talkin’ 3,000 miles to Graceland, here, dude. Are you going to fly out here and sweep me off my feet with your ‘los angeles model’ good looks?

You type in broken english, you have no picture posted and claim to not know why Yeehaa Personals hasn’t posted your picture, but if I IM you, you’ll be sure and send me one. What part of ‘I’m a Model in Los Angeles’ am I not getting? A model without a picture posted? Hmmmm……

Ohhhhhhh, I get it now, you mean you’re in the p0rn business! Oh, my bad…it took me a minute……..

Oh, yeah, almost forgot. You called me ’Sweetie’ right out of the chute. Who, outside of a 5 yo child would respond to “Sweetie???”

*gag*

I guess now I understand you reaching out across the country.

Optimism breeds dates!!

2007-06-25T15:49:00.000-04:00

Update.

Just heard from Mr. Gorgeous. I had asked him out (didn't want to post earlier, my stars being busted and all...didn't want to jinx a jinx.) and he said....

YES!!

Woohoo! We're having dinner Friday and I got his number, I got his number.

Yea me!

dating hell

2007-06-25T12:53:00.001-04:00

Internet Dating Hell - part deux (or Dude, Fish or Cut Bait....much?)

Wow. I just reread my first post. I have so matured since then; what a novice I sound like. Shocking, really. I do still cuss like a sailor, though.

I have to start by saying I already typed this once, then did a preview on blogger, read it, realized I needed to further edit, so I hit the “back” toggle and promptly lost my entire entry. I almost cried, probably should have just gone ahead and bawled for the lost entry and the experience of having lived it.

*sigh*

Since we last got together….

From Snatch.com, I’ve kicked one eligible bastardor to the curb after 8 weeks of emails, text messages, and 2 brief (as in seconds, not minutes) phone calls. Seems he had issues with SHITTING OR GETTING OFF THE POT!! Then I spent a week emailing a sweet and charming fellow that was on vacation in the Midwest all last week. This one seemed very promising; but upon his return he played clueless as to what the next ‘step/level’ included (a date asshole, that’s what the next step/level includes) and then proceeded to tell me (like he’d already told me) that he had ‘that pesky wedding’ to attend this coming weekend; thus, he wouldn’t be about to plan a date for. How about another week of email and phone chatter?? When I suggested a midweek date after work, he apparently entered into the witness protection program, because I haven’t heard from him since (and he had even given me his phone number). Another one that CAN’T CLOSE A DEAL!!

Oh, but I’ve barely begun!

Meanwhile, over on eharmonywannabe.com, after crashing through 78 layers of compatibility firewalls, I finally get to an email forum on the site in which to communicate spontaneously with my ‘match.’ It is at this point that I am informed by PBF #3 (the ‘P’ is for potential) that he is off on vacation for the next week, followed by a brief visit to see a friend who is recovering from surgery. Oh, and internet access will be intermittent. But it was great hearing from you, really.

Not to be outdone, Yeehaa Personals.com has sent me a delightful candidate for consideration. He is a 23 yo mechanic we shall call ScaryMech. ScaryMech, apparently wants to dip his stick….in me. Usually, I’d be flattered, young stud and all; but there’s something distinctly, how shall I say, CREEPY about his message:

Datergirl, You're gorgeous, very sexy.
My name is ScaryMech, I'd love to chat,
i think you are very attractive and your desires are my bidding.
I wish you the best and hope to talk soon.
yahoo messenger: ScaryMechlove
your smile!~ SEXY
can i interest you in a date?
MILF

Bidding? I’ll bet he has a ‘safe’ word all picked out and everything.

Just about the time I think I’m going all-in with the towel, Mr. Gorgeous emails me. This guy is all that and a bag of chips (slightly height challenged, but I gotta start compromising my standards somewhere, right?). But, guess what? Yep, he’s on travel all friggin’ week!!! Can you believe this shit??? Is somebody in town for the start of this relationship? Oh, yeah, that would be ME! I’m here, I’m ready, I’m game. WTF..... seriously, simply put, what the fuck??? I am not a zodiacologist, but even I checked out my horoscope after this latest, cuz my stars are seriously busted!! It’s raining men in every town but Datergirl-town (unless you count the creepy mechanic, which I’m not)!!

To say I’m optimistic about Mr. Gorgeous would be overstating it a bit. Let’s just say that – believe it or not – I’m optimistic about being optimistic about Mr. Gorgeous.

See why I should’ve just cried?

Neanderthal

2007-06-07T16:28:00.001-04:00

June 7 2007

“I want to see some beach pics. I want to see you in a bathing suit. I bet you look really good. Show me your whole body. Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaasssssssssssssseeeeeeeee?”

???? Not just Hell No, but Fuck No. While we’re at it: What? Are you 12 years old with the hyper-extended ‘please?’ We’ve been exchanging emails for 2 days, you’ve seen 6 different, recent pictures of me in clothes, one of which does, indeed, even show cleavage. I look like what my picture looks like. Why in hell would I send you a ‘Maxim’ shot?? If I’ve interpreted your reaction to me correctly, you’re very attracted to what I look like already, why can’t you just trust what your eyes are telling you?? I don’t even have pictures of myself in a bathing suit, but if I did I wouldn’t put them out on the internet for public consumption or email them to someone who is still a virtual stranger!! Are you seriously trolling at 45 years of age???

You are a complete and total ass-hat.

I understand that this is also about the ‘whole body shot.’ But I’ve got a ‘whole body shot’ already posted. I’m just sitting instead of standing but that should be even more telling because you can’t really hide any horrendous body flaws by folding your body into thirds and setting it on a staircase, now can you?

But I respond to you anyway and tell you that this is never going to happen (the bathing suit shot) followed by stating that I think things are going so well, and I ask you to not push it too far and you respond, by not responding. Class act. It seemed that we have quite a bit in common on paper. It would appear we’re in search of the same thing. We like each other’s humor, seem to be able to correspond and communicate well, and up till now appear to like the way the other looks, and then this. Wow.

Make sure you add ‘shallow’ and check ‘Neanderthal' in the ethnic colum of your personality profile. Good luck with that.

I know that this happened so I wouldn't get all the way to an actual date with this guy. I know in my own logical way that I deserve better than this ass-hat; but a rejection is still a rejection and is tough to swallow, so I thought it would help to write about it.

This blog is a catharsis that enables me to keep things in perspective and survive 'insecurity hell' as I put myself through the paces of trying to find that connection. I have recently returned to the singles scene and I'm not a 20-something, hard-bodied Betty; I'm a 40-something, semi-soft-hard-bodied Betty. It's a topsy-turvy world to try to navigate, as well as a mighty frustrating one as I try to interpret ambiguous emails and hot/cold behavior. But I'm a believer in relationships, so I will fight the good fight and march on; and leave the cold dead bodies of sacrafice here.