Epiphany

I haven’t blogged in a while. I’ve been talking to, and even had a couple of dates with some new fellas, but nothing disastrous to complain/write about. Certainly haven’t had any more criers (thank god!).

I did have a bit of an epiphany earlier in the week that may help my efforts here on out.

I have been talking to and had a couple of dates with a great guy. We hit it off very well and I’m hopeful that there is sufficient interest on both sides to continue to date. Here’s the problem: the timing is a bit off. He is having some (I think will be minor) health issues and has spent the last 2 weeks seeing doctors and having tests performed. He is understandably anxious about this and as such, has pulled back. He’s retreated back into his cave, if you will. We have been communicating via phone, but mostly emails during this time, but until he finds out what he’s dealing with, he doesn’t feel particularly social. This irritated me, as I have encountered this behavior before. What I like to call ‘gangbusters then withdrawal.’ He knew these tests were coming when he asked me out twice in one weekend; the 2nd date, I might add, lasting 8 hours! Then he goes to ground for 2 weeks? There is just something wrong about that type of behavior. Anyway, while I was slowly wrapping myself around the axel about this, I reached out to a friend that really went to battle to land her man, in the trenches so to speak. Her advice: wait him out. Not what I wanted to hear, but I listened anyway and although it took a day or so for the stew to simmer and bubble, in the end I realized that I could do that. I won’t wait too long, but if I were dealing with an unknown and knew my anxiety could be a downer or turnoff to a potential SO, or that I just wasn't putting my best effort forth, wouldn’t I back off? Wouldn’t I say, “Hey, I really like you, really like us and want to see you again, want more of this; but I really won’t be very good company until I find out what’s causing this unknown.”

Yes, I would. I’d like to think I wouldn’t necessarily try and go out of my way to date if I was having a personal crisis, but I wouldn’t pass up what could be “the one” either (or even just a great night out, sometimes a wonderful distraction is a welcome blessing during a crisis).

I’m afraid I’ve been applying the same dating MO that I had in my 30’s (I was married for the bulk of my 20’s); which isn’t all that applicable in your 40’s pushing the five-oh. I think that if you’re in your 40’s and (still) single again, you’ve probably dated enough toads/toadettes that certain characteristics/quirks pop out pretty quickly . I am suddenly acutely aware of this - not just from my observation of men’s characteristics, but of my own. I’ve realized that I probably push a little when I should be pulling back myself, I also think I may come off as too eager on occasion; I’m such a positive and rather gregarious personality that I think sometimes it’s a bit over the top, probably could take it down a notch. Not downing myself, just trying to be more self aware.

When I made this realization, it made me rethink someone I met back during the holidays with who I also had a spark. Too late now, but ruefully, I wish I could have a do-over with him. The situation wasn't entirely my fault, as he had committed (to me) to something he ultimately couldn't do, which was not cool; but I pushed him too soon, and he bolted, which I now understand.

When I related my epiphany to my friend, she gave me kudos and told me to be grateful as most people don’t ever get the self awareness thing. They are always wondering why this or that didn’t work out or happen, totally blind of their own culpability in the matter.

Well, I hope this new guy makes it through his personal hell and picks up the phone and calls, cuz it may have only been 2 dates, but they were both great dates. From the string of emails we’ve shared since then, there is no indication otherwise, but if I’ve learned anything over the last 8/9 months you never can tell w/ these guys. And if I’ve learned something else – we (men/women) sure as shit don’t think anything alike, I mean I just can't figure out what goes on in their teeny, tiny heads!